There is Definitely Some Crying in Baseball.
Summertime Sadness
It's July! I have just barely passed the half way mark of my first baseball season as a sports photographer. I have attended 26 home games and August is approaching fast. Time flies when you're having fun!
While the title of this blog may seem misleading, I actually am really enjoying my current internship with the Florence Y'alls, which might be why I feel this way. I have said it before and I'll say it again, I don't want to sugar coat my experiences, I want to share them and be honest, so let's get real!
Before the season began, I was incredibly intimidated by the idea of 48 games in a 4 month span. Photography is unfortunately not my full-time job. I work 40 hours a week at my '9-5' and then some more at the Thomas Moore Stadium, plus all of the hours at home that I spend editing and creating things. While this has been a lot and I would be lying if I said I wasn't feeling exhausted during those busy weeks, I can't help but feel like it has flown by and it's already almost over.
Working in sports is about adapting to constant change. You work with teams, organizations and staff members for a few months, if you're lucky you get to see them again next season or you are on to your next destination with a new sport/team/etc.
With that being said, I unfortunately don't think I will be returning as the photographer next year for the Y'alls. This role is an internship, the organization does not currently offer an official staff photographer job. As much as I would love to stay, every season is a new opportunity for growth and I have to keep moving forward if I want to pursue sports photography as a full-time career! At the end of August when my time with y'all(s) is over, my current plan is to continue working with the Bearcats at UC Ice Hockey. I am very excited to be back with them, but I still have a few weeks left with my favorite water tower!
Re-Learning to love the game
Growing up, I used to claim baseball was my favorite sport. I think it was solely because I had been to more baseball games than any of the other sports. I grew up going to Reds games with my family.
My family is big on the Reds, Bengals, UC football and basketball. I still have never been to an NFL game and my first time at Paycor Stadium (it's still Paul Brown in my head), was for the Taylor Swift concert a few weeks ago.
As I got older I found out I love hockey more than anything, and while that is still true, baseball is now a close second as far as photography goes. It has really grown on me, despite the fact that I am not a summer girl. I despise high temperatures and humidity. I feel a rush of serotonin at even the thought of autumn air, pumpkins, Halloween and hockey season.
I think the love I feel for the game comes from the people and the patience it has taught me. Despite the fact that it isn't 'cool', I really feel my feelings. I am not afraid to speak on how I feel whether it's out loud or in my blogs that I am not sure anyone reads. But, I have been very fortunate to make a lot of friends in Florence.
A People Person
Between all of my fellow intern friends, staff members, players and even the player's significant others, I am surrounded by good company at the stadium and it makes summer much more tolerable. It is both a blessing and a curse that I have always been a people person. It seems I've been turning strangers into friends since 1999.
I will be leaving Florence come August with new wrinkles/laugh lines, freckles from all the hours in the sun and a lot of fun memories. While all those things are positive and happy, it just makes it that much sadder to know it's eventually going to end. When I started sports photography, I definitely didn't anticipate feeling this much emotion. I thought it would be tons of fun all the time, which is true 96% of the time, but that other 4% is very prominent. The ending of a season is not for the weak, nor is befriending athletes who graduate/move away/ or get traded/released. In college hockey, I did not have to worry about anyone leaving mid-season, all I had to bare was the graduating seniors leaving, we got to say our goodbyes and while it was bittersweet, it was expected.
However, in professional baseball, I did not have any expectations. I failed to realize that at any moment, a player can be released or traded. You don't know it's coming, so you don't get to say goodbye formally. Being half way to the stadium and finding out your favorite team member is gone is not fun! That has been one of the hardest parts so far for me, but at the end of the day it is a business. The team is continuously changing, I enjoy meeting the new players that come in, but the ones that have left are definitely missed. The easy solution to this would be to say "don't get attached" and keep to myself to avoid that feeling of loss, but all of the athletes and staff members I have built a bond with on any of the teams I've worked have happened so naturally. Photographers spend a lot of time with their teams and I consider myself very lucky to have formed those connections at all.
“How lucky I am to have something that makes
saying goodbye so hard.”
Patience, Patience, Patience!
Making friends is easy, patience is not! I don't think anyone who has ever met me would describe me with that word. It is something I have always lacked. It is a constant battle between being in the moment, enjoying where I am and constantly looking forward to what is to come, waiting for the next move, and getting excited over things that haven't happened yet. My dad has told me on many occasions "don't wish your life away", but my mind is almost constantly somewhere else and I've been trying to work on that.
Baseball is slow, but the days are fast. Nine innings seems like a lifetime when the sun is beating down and the national anthem singer drags out every note. Yet the games fly by. When the sun is setting and a breeze comes in, I actually really appreciate the slowness and quiet moments that come with the game. Hockey is fast paced and if you look away for even a second, you could miss a huge play. Not to mention, hockey players are allowed to punch each other in the face. Baseball is incredibly calm in comparison. The emotions may be high, but the action is much more subtle. I find myself doing a lot of watching. I have time to stop and look around, admire smaller details that I would have never noticed otherwise. Some of my favorite shots I've taken this year are not even of the game itself.
If this internship has taught me anything, it is to be where my feet are, be grateful and take it all in. It won't always be this way. Summer is going to end and regardless of the hardships and heat, I am going to miss this. One day, I won't have a 45+ minute drive filled with nerves and excitement, I will have to buy a ticket to get in to Thomas Moore Stadium, I won't be down in the dugout, on the field getting high fives or sitting on the video room floor laughing with my favorite creative friends I've met so far in my career. We'll be in different places, cheering each other on through our phones. And while it may seem like that is a depressing way to look at the situation, it actually makes me appreciate it all that much more.
It is okay to feel grief over something you haven't lost yet. It's okay to feel happy and sad at the same time, just like that Kacey Musgraves song. I felt this way in March when hockey ended and I think I will be feeling this way on and off again for my entire career. And that is okay too.
For what it's worth
A week ago I was on the phone with my dad and he asked me "Has it been worth it?". Meaning the internship as a whole. All of the long hours, time away from my husband, friends and family, the low pay, hard work, gas money and overall experience. When I was convincing myself to accept the internship, I said that I was doing this strictly to put it on my resume and build my portfolio. I told myself it would be 'worth it' in hopes that one day it will land me a more permanent position somewhere. Somewhere I can make a living out of this 'hobby' of mine. How incredibly naive of me to think that was the only reason this experience would be 'worth it'.
This is not the first time someone has asked me this question in reference to a position I put myself in to pursue this dream. On an away trip with a rough travel schedule, where we played two intense, close games and came up short, as we sat in the airport for 4ish hours because we missed our connecting flight home due to a delay, one of my favorite hockey friends asked me if it was worth it. If coming on the trip was worth it, because we lost. I didn't even think twice about my answer.
All of that to say, I think my answer will always be 'yes'.
It is worth it, it was worth it, and it always will be.
I have never felt an ounce of regret after taking new opportunities, going new places, meeting new people and taking photos that I feel proud of, win or lose.
It is worth much more than I can put into words, but I tried.
Alexa, play Long Live (Taylor's Version)!
